Wednesday, 25 January 2012

14: Go Away Ghost Ship!

We open on some kind of tanker with a broken smokestack floating through a misty ocean.
Is it broken? I don't know how boats work.
One of the crew-members is just leaning on the boats railings looking into the ocean (he looks like he might be the captain, in which case he should probably be doing something more productive) when he spies a nasty looking pirate ship and is shocked beyond belief.
"Ayeeee!"
Cut to a pirate captain (Captain Redbeard, apparently) laughing maniacally from his ships deck.
Who's he laughing at? Where are his cronies? What's going on?
That's all we get of the good Captain, before we are transported to a Malt Shop somewhere, where the gang are enjoying some more pink milk.
Shaggy is the only one who eats. Everyone else subsists on pinkmilk.
Fred reads the gang an article from his newspaper. Apparently freight ships are being raided, and the company is blaming ghosts. Wow, that company is just straight up blaming ghosts. They're even telling the newspaper. Jesus.
"The world is full of spastics Velma, absolute spastics!"
Meanwhile Shaggy does some frightening sandwich physics, and somehow compresses his sandwich till it's about one tenth of its size. He does this with string. Shaggy is some kind of sandwich scientist. Scooby of course eats it, and I can't help wonder how he's going to feel when the string dissolves and his stomach explodes.
Denser than a sun.
The Gang decide that it is within their best interests to do something about the Ghost Pirate so they decide to visit Captain Magnus, who apparently owns the freighting business. Magnus lives in a ritzy penthouse, and his butler looks like a walking cadaver.
"Brains? I mean, yes?"
The cadaver butler refuses them entry, so they decide to disguise their way in by dressing as though they're room service. It goes about as well as could be expected.
Why did they even think this would work?
Either way, we, the lucky viewers, get to see Magnus in all his glory.
Fat and rich!
He tells them the tale of Redbeard the pirate, or rather, tells them that there once was a pirate called Redbeard and pretty much leaves it at that. He also tells the Gang that there is nothing they can do, something Fred disagrees with.
"Like Hell there isn't!
The Gang take a boat (stolen, I predict) and head out into the ocean. Fred asks the Gang to keep their eyes peeled, and Scooby freaks out. Perhaps, knowing full well what Fred is capable of, Scooby thinks Fred is talking literally. Perhaps he is.
Just close your eyes and pretend it isn't happening.
 The plan is to sound a foghorn and hope that the Ghost Pirate thinks that the Gang is a freighter and then, presumably, be attacked by Ghost Pirates. It's not a great plan. Scooby then pulls out a knife and attempts to escape his reality into ours.
F'tagn.
 The Ghost Ship arrives and rams their little ship to pieces. So yeah, an even worse plan than they originally envisioned. I hope Magnus didn't give them any money. Everybody sinks and Daphne worries about her hair. Fuck Daphne, you might drown.
Velma, apparently, has already drowned in this snapshot.
They decide to get inside the ghost ship to avoid drowning, and Shaggy turns Scooby into an eldritch horror.
AGHHH!
He's not the only eldritch horror about tonight, check out Fred's hand. What the fuck.
Run Daphne! Run!
There are then shenanigans to take our minds of the cosmic terror. Shaggy and Scooby are chased by a floating sword until they find themselves in a room containing Captain Redbeard and his two pirate cronies, one of which looks incredibly sad.
What's got you down, Mr. Green Pirate?
The rest of the Gang are just wondering the halls making bad jokes when they come across two tubs of dry ice. They stand around it looking stupid for a while, until they notice that the door is locked. Seems kind of stupid, to lock some kids up with the dry ice you probably need, but then, ghost pirates aren't known for their planning.
"Arrrr! I'm ever so retarded!"
Shaggy and Scoob, meanwhile, are presented with a choice of cooking or death. They decide that cooking for a ghost pirate is undoubtedly the better choice and get to work. Unfortunately Shaggy and Scooby are retarded and boil up some chains, cobwebs, ash, and somewhat inexplicably, soap, which they then feed to Redbeard.
Good plan, poison the Pirate.
Redbeard, in an act which is really pretty sadistic, forces Scooby and Shaggy to eat the soup themselves. Which they do.
Seconds before death.
They don't die though, which is sad, instead they just gain the ability to blow bubbles. They make a fog of bubbles and escape in the confusion. I don't have mad gif making abilities, but rest assured that if I did, the wee little dance Redbeard does when he's trying to escape the bubbles would be available to all five of my readers.
Blame it on the Boogie!
There's some filler shenanigens which result in these screengrabs
"We follow the north wind to France!"
Someone finally mounted the heads of my worst enemies!
They all end up in a secret cove in the shape of a skull, and Daphne asks: "why would ghost pirates need a secret cove to go in?" which is a question that pretty much answers itself. Fred answers her with a really really sarcastic: "I dunno." and pulls a hilarious face.
ahahahahahahahahahaha
Daphne, Fred, and Velma are then chained up in the cove and left to their own devices, they escape pretty quickly so it's sort of a worthless scene. They bump into Shaggy and it turns out the paper hat he was wearing was the ships manifest. Fred looks at it with disdain and disgust.
"Fuck this map Velma, it has nothing but ill will for us."
They then find some tire tracks that lead to a pirate chest. Shaggy opens it to reveal an awful creature made from a skull and a spine. It asks them for a password. Everybody gives it a go, but only Shaggy gets it right with: Yo ho ho and a liverwurst ala mode." Fred then says that it must have been voice activated. Does... does that mean Shaggy's in on it? The hell?
Shaggy is scarier and more inhuman than Slenderman.
In the room is Redbeard and his cronies loading something onto a jeep. There is a chase sequence but it's not really very interesting, except, perhaps, for Shaggy drinking from a cup bigger than his head.
Seriously, what?
And Shaggy tickling a murderous pirate with some kind of eggbeater gun.
Now I remember why I left this blog, goddamn.
Anyway, it turns out Redbeard was Magnus, which really isn't a surprise at all, apparently he was going to lose his company money, so he decided to steal from himself to pay it back. Which makes absolutely no sense whatsoever in any way at all. Scooby then handles some dry ice without gloves and doesn't get hurt.

the end.

Fuck.

P.S. Also I'm back maybe, for a bit, possibly, whoop whoop.

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